February 6, 2021
Rise
If the Lord Had not been on our side... - Psalm 124:1
Lord, if You have not been on my side, then I would spiral further and further down into sin. Sin stains my soul and distorts the way one sees the world. Sin is enslaving, fixating only on the empty promises of finite reality. Sin wants something beyond the world, to "transcend", and become like gods.
But You, O Lord, have always been by my side. Your silent voice comforts me when I sin. I ask You for help but You are silent. The kind of saving I sought, to ask for Your grace tantamount to saying "Jesus take the wheel", was not something I really wanted. You remained silent but always here by my side. Your permissive will allowed me to see the self-binding properties of sin. I had been stubborn in the grace You've given me and thought I was "set" to avoid sin, but Lord You saw my heart. I was too ahead of myself. I can be Holy as I thought but I stopped putting in the work.
Nasa Diyos ang Awa, nasa tao ang gawa
I know that You will my good, O Lord, Your love is the ultimate sacrifice that heals all my sins. I only ask that You pardon me, and grant me Your healing, loving gaze. As I struggle to transform my heart. It is not only the outward signs of action that reflect obedience, it is in the heart's willingness. As St. Augustine says, those who are under the law are unfree, while those who are between it– who know the law and accept it (Listen, Trust, Obey)– are free. For You will love first, and your law is love itself. Your law is goodness. I look to You, O Lord, I want to see Your face. I want to seek You out in everything I do, let me not see myself anymore. I want to gain new sight as Saul of Tarsus did, or the blind man in the Gospels– take my hand and help me rise up from the eventual death of my flesh. Renew me, I will follow You. Because You love me, then I must love others, which begins with loving myself the right way. Help me take my mat and walk, Lord. If it is Your will, my Lord Jesus, send forth Your spirit, and it shall be created, and You will renew the face of the Earth.
O, Come, Holy Spirit, fill my heart up and let my desires be transformed into the kind of flesh You breathed into from the beginning. I am sorry for my impatience. I wanted a sign from You, Lord. To rescue me when I hear a temptation. When I know that the temptation is sinful, I leaned on You saving me from it. But that is a misguided trust, Lord. For You have already saved me. Your sacrifice empowers me to be an instrument of Your grace. I am not worthy of this, yet you've said Your Word once, and it is written in my heart. I desire to know You more, O Lord.
You have given me all sources of Joy in my family, in Arie, in the gift of philosophy, in music, in driving, in poetry, in all my life. And when You've permitted sin and despair, You were by my side and helped me see the error of my ways. Never permit me to be separated from You, O Lord. Let this sin not distance myself from You, but make me closer to You. Transform my heart, Lord, that I may be made like a child for Your Kingdom. For You, I pray with my heart. For You, I offer my soul up this morning with conviction. This is everything, Lord, I know it is scarred and stainful, but it is Yours, O Lord, and You have deemed it Good. Continue to remain by my side, as I know You will. Help me to better cooperate with Your grace, to respond to it with Joy in my heart– to rise to the height You've set for me. Help me get back on track, and to be good to others, especially those who love me, and most charitably to those who persecute me.
This is my prayer this morning, Lord. And it is a Good day, Inshallah.
Amen
