Saturday, November 7, 2020
An Authenticity Crisis
What accompanies an authenticity crisis? The very thing that brought it about– idleness. And idleness breeds temptations by the flesh. But however we get there, we're there– what happens then? The prayer life despite being followed suddenly feels insincere. The very liturgy of the hours that upholds the public office of the church is suddenly scrutinized. If I pray with others, shouldn't I feel their sense of prayer? It's a call to prayer isn't it? Liturgy of the hours. What does liturgy mean? These things, I haven't thought before but I knew love wasn't present as a tendency to resentfulness occupied me. But what I need to realize is that the thing I'm projecting on others is the very thing I need for myself. The public prayer life always comes with the temptation to consider authenticity– when we pray with others we either are insecure if we are praying as "hard" as others or if others aren't praying as sincerely as us.
5 “And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. 6 But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. (Matthew 6:5-6)
And it's in the latter verse where I'm tripping up. I pray the liturgy of the hours or the rosary and it doesn't feel as rewarding. I'm just doing prayer rather than paying attention to that inward sense of God in the midst. My lips move but my heart hardens. I'm in that point where it's hard to believe God can forgive a person who sins not long after He's forgiven him. And I know that's the incredible love God has for us. I know that. I should want to participate in this love through prayer. But how I've let myself fallen that now prayer is an obstacle because I've (and am) taking it for granted. Can I go to confession in 30 minutes with this? I'm confused more than I am contrite. The answer is probably yes. The temptations are sneaky then, aren't they? Cunning almost. It has attacked the foundation I've built up to try and combat it (prayer) by zeroing in on my sin that started this whole week. But perhaps I've forgotten what Father Casey was saying. I should strive to live a holy life not solely a pure one, for purity comes from living a holy life.
I should probably go, and I should probably walk instead of driving there. What have I done today that's worthy of the convenience of driving? I know I'm called there because there is where I can find myself and work on my relationship with God to a greater authenticity and with a greater assent of faith.
I'm coming Lord, for even as I sin do I still continue to search you. Forgive your prideful sinner and humble him to your love, impart knowledge and courage to resist temptation so that he may participate in the love that You freely give. Amen.
